Mass Effect VS:
by TREBOR117
Summary: Mass Effect may be popular with gamers, but that doesn't mean It's popular with other video game charecters. This often leads to debate. Debate of course meaning fighting. Rated M for language and lots of Crack. On hiatus for the foreseeable future
1. Master Chief

**If anybody who had me on author alert got multiple Emails about this, I apologize. I accidentally used the wrong document the first couple of times, had to delete the story, and didn't realize it still sent the emails until I check my own email. Any way,**

**I don't know how I got the idea for this, but I had to get it down on paper. Well, so to speak. You know what I mean.**

**This Shepard is meant to kind of be the default version, middle of the morality path, what most people did. And just a parody in general.**

Master Chief: So when's your next game supposed to come out Shepard?

Commander Shepard: In March, as long as it doesn't get pushed back. Again.

Duke Nukem: Don't even talk to me about game delays Ass Hole!

CS: Any way, what about you? Isn't Halo 4 coming out at the end of 2012?

MC: No, my newest game is coming out next month.

CS: Huh? What are you talking…? Oh you mean the rerelease of the exact game people already played.

MC: With way better graphics, premastered maps for Reach,

CS: So you throw together a few new things, and try to sell it again? Great Marketing strategy, taking tips from the Lego games. If it worked on kids, it's totally going to work on adults.

The Legos, unable to talk, or flip him off with their weird hands, just frown at him.

MC: For the record, play tests have shown people very much enjoy being able to switch graphics back and forth.

CS: Uh huh. People have also shown they want to see your face. I don't think their missing much myself.

MC: Not being able to see Tali's face didn't seem to stop you.

CS: What? How do you know I didn't go for Jack or Miranda on this play through?

MC: I saw her picture in your wallet when you were getting money out. Besides, wasn't Tali the most popular in the second game? I don't know why you're embarrassed.

CS: Actually, I think the "Most popular" was Kelly and my female counterpart.

MC: What about Liara and FemShep? Way more people went with her then that tool Alenko.

CS: Don't call my Squad mate a… actually, yeah, he kinda was. Got rid of him on Virmire first chance I got.

They high five.

Kaiden: Hey! Some people still like me!

MC: (sarcastic) Right. Because guys are definitely going to choose to have Fem Shep romance a whiney tool instead of going after the hot lesbian relationship.

CS: Dude, the only people who saved you are the ones who want to see… you get with Male… crap.

MC: I wouldn't worry about it too much. You should think about what Ashley or Liara will say if you did romance someone in the second game.

KA: What about me?

Both: Nobody cares!

CS: Besides, Ash is the one to worry about most. They kinda crossed that Liara bridge with the LotSB DLC.

MC: What do you think will happen?

CS: Not worried about the Jack Romancers. Jack will probably just rip Ashley's head off. Come to think of it, Miranda would probably just kill her too. She's kind of a bitch.

Miranda: Beg Pardon?  
>CS: I didn't say you weren't hot.<p>

MC: Dude, give up now while you're behind. I really don't want you to be sole survivor in this bar.

CS: You're assuming people were too lazy to choose something other than the default.

MC: There's a reason they only use that one face for advertising.

Fem Shep: Not anymore A-hole. ME3 is going to have a trailer, and box art for the collector's edition featuring me. Take that, lame default guy with a voice actor nowhere near as good as mine!

CS: Yeah yeah, whatever.

MC: At least you've been the only star. I was on the back burner for both of Bungie's last games.

CS: But they put in jetpacks, and you get one in the new game trailer.

MC:… All is forgiven game studios.

CS: Any way, back to the romance conflict. I don't know why people didn't stick to only romancing one person in one game and avoiding the issue all together.

MC: So what do you think Tali and Ashley will turn out?  
>CS: You want someone's guess, go read a fan fic. I'm sticking with Tali. Ashley's a total racist, called me a traitor, and isn't as hot in the third game.<p>

MC: So you admit you're getting it on with a chick whose face nobody can see.

Tali: Hypocrite.

CS: At least I can get laid. The closest thing you're getting is having that AI bitching in your ear the whole game. Those things are a pain in the ass.

EDI: I take offense with that statement commander.

Legion: We have reached consensus and determined the most appropriate response is "Go fuck yourself"

MC: At least my AIs have actually faces. You get a blue orb with lines and a robot with a flashlight instead of a face.

CS: Some of them have real avatars.

MC: You mean the Vis who have such minor roles one of them doesn't even have a name?

CS: Says the guy who's name is only said once in the entire first trilogy, and in the books only nerds read.

MC: At least I'm in my books. You barely get mentioned.

CS: What about that prequel comic for people who are too lazy to play the first game?

MC: Doesn't count.

CS: Bullshit.

MC: Besides, I got something you'll never have. Machinima.

CS: Not true! People have made Mass Effect Machinimas.

MC: Modding the game to change romance options doesn't count.

Miranda: Yeah, people have done that a lot. Usually just to see me making out with fem shep.

MC: There's a company whose sole "job" is making videos in halo!  
>CS: That just means Rooster Teeth is a bunch of nerds.<p>

Caboose: Teeth Rooster! It sounds stupid when you say it backwards.

Church: Shut up Caboose.

MC: Jealous.

CS: Of what? Having people waste time with random stuff instead of giving them actual game play value? There are so many choices, I don't think it's physically possible to play the same way twice.

MC: Choices like what? Which of five weapons to carry? Wow, should I pick this gun, or the only other gun in game? I just can't choose!

CS: What about DLC guns?

MC: You're making people pay to have one more gun, or one extra set of armor? At least halo's DLC gives more ways to play. There are all sorts of maps.

CS: Half of them are recycled from the earlier games. Just like your entire next game! And I call Bullshit one the "Extra Set of Armor" comment. People whore out in that game to earn enough points to get one helmet!

MC: That isn't money.

CS: Money doesn't take millions of wasted hours to get.

MC: The weapons suck ass half the time anyway. You get a Shotgun that isn't good up close or something that's impossible to aim with.

CS: You mean like the pistol before bungie wised up and put it back to normal?

MC: That was only in two games! And I got duel wielding, which is way better than anything you've got.

CS: Better than a portable Nuke launcher?

MC: That only gets one shot? Thanks, but I think I'll stick with my sticky grenades, which actually kill things more than once in a row.

CS: Oh, you mean the grenades you can't use if you're carrying another weapon?

KA: Dude, you just got owned.

MC: Shut up loser! And since they got rid of duel wielding, it's not an issue

CS: So you're saying they got rid of the best weapon, just so they could put in a function that made it so you couldn't melee or throw grenades, and it only lasted 2 games? I wonder why?

MC: Hey, at least I'm guaranteed not to die at the end of my game. Your whole squad can die!

CS: The only people who let people get killed off were the ones that were people playing on insanity and didn't want to actually complete the damn loyalty missions. Or people who wanted to kill specific. I did that three times with Jacob.

KA: Ok, you cannot say Jacob is more lame than me. At least I actually have a fan base. He's like the most hated character in the game. The DLC characters are cooler than him, and you can't even talk to them.

MC: You made people pay just to get another squad mate too?  
>CS: Technically Zaeed was supposed to free with the Cerberus network so they only had to pay for Kasumi. And she's totally worth the extra pay.<p>

MC: Uh huh. Sure.

CS: She is! She has this one ability where she turns invisible, and then assassinates somebody. It's awesome.

Noble 6: Rip Off!

MC: Shut up! God I'm glad you died. I'll never have to worry about you showing up in the new games.

CS: That's one thing we have in common. Both of us have people in our franchise we're glad we can have kill.

MC: Yeah, I guess you're right.

Cortana: I still have way more guys drooling over me than any of the sluts in your games.

MC: Hey! Don't you dare talk about my whole bunch of possible girlfriends!

FS: Except Morinth. That whore killed me! I had to reload like 2 hours back from that.

MC: You didn't know that that would happen?

CS: That's why I'm the guy they use for advertising.

FS and Cortana: Sexist bastard.

MC: I thought of another thing better in my game. The game play doesn't change as much as it did between the two games.

Cortana: (facepalm)Chief, how is it you managed to save the universe multiple times, and yet you were dumb enough to give him that ammo to throw at him? Have you been spending time with Arby n the Chief?

MC: Hey, they're funny guys! And how is not changing gameplay a bad thing?

CS: The fact that you're essentially selling the same game 5 billion times. That's why you have to compete with Call of Duty, while Mass Effect is basically unopposed.

MC: What about Fable? I think that series could give you a run for your money.

CS: The first two games might have been able to, but the new one sucked.

MC: Yeah, having to do a quest for every time you wanted a friend was just plain stupid.

CS: Definitely.

MC: Kind of like you having to do a mission every time you wanted someone not to die?

KA: Damn, he totally set you up for… urccc.

MC: Did you really have to falcon punch him?  
>CS: Why not? It worked on that bitch reporter.<p>

MC: Yeah, I think I gotta get going. There's supposed to be some big press event I got to get to.

CS: I hear you, those things are a bitch. Least I don't have to worry about for 3 months later than I thought.

Duke Nukem: What did I tell you about talking about delays? Eat lead mother*******

CS: Crap. I knew I should have chosen a different class.

**I have no idea where I got the idea for this. Let me know what you thought, and let me know if there's another character you want to see arguing with Shepard. Or hell, if you want to see people argue with Master Chief, tell me that too, and I might end up writing another series.**

**Please rate and review. **


	2. Duke Nukem

**Someone asked ( in a review hint hint) for more Duke Nukem, so I decided to put him up against the only ME character as tough and dirty minded as him, and the only other person not going to put up with his shit. I don't own any of these characters. **

Duke Nukem: What? Who the fuck are you? I'm supposed to argue with Shepard!

Jack: That pussy's still in the med wing thanks to last chapter. You shot him 37 times, punched him so hard his kidneys exploded, punched him in the balls, and then launched a rocket launcher at his balls. Damn, I could take lessons from you.

DN: Yeah right. How bout you run along and bring me someone tougher? I don't got all day.

SZ: The names Jack, and if you're dumb enough to say something like that again, I will fillet you.

DN: Jack? What the hell kind of name is that? You should have stuck to Subject Zero, like in every trailer ever.

SZ: At least I didn't have a trailer where the only fucking thing that happened was to announce the game had been delayed. Again.

DN: Did you not see what I did to the other mother Fucker who said something like that? Damn, you are a chick. Wasn't sure without the hair.

SZ: Are you a fucking retard? Half the time I wear nothing but straps and tattoos!

DN: Then how come you were always wearing that jacket in the trailers?

SZ: People are uptight idiots who are scared to see a little cleave.

Miranda Lawson: For once, we agree.

SZ: The fuck are you doing here cheerleader?

ML: I'm the only other one who can put up woth him.

DN: Hey, I don't mind. That's a nice uniform. But it'd look even better on the floor crumpled up in my bed.

ML: When we're done here, I'm going to kill you.

DN: You can try bitch.

SZ: Hey, nobody gets to kill the cheerleader but me.

DN: So, you'd like to get in on the action too?

SZ: Not if it's only ME2 Rated, instead of actually showing the act like the first game.

DN: Wait, what?

ML: In the first game, there was actually some nudity,

SZ: And then every idiot with a mouth started complaining, so the closet you get in the second game is some dry humping and a shot of her Bra!

Tali: Not to mention the bastards not showing my face!

DN: Holy fuck your developers are idiots. That's the farthest they can go? There's like 50 billion tits in my game. Fuck, there's an entire mission where it's just me in a titty bar.

SZ: Yeah, but that doesn't end up on youtube a billion times to add to the fire. There's like 5 copies of every scene.

ML: Well, except for Jacob's. He's so lame, Bioware's giving him the smallest possible role in the 3rd game.

DN: So it matches the size of his dick?

SZ: Nobody's is that small. Trust me.

ML: Why in God's name did I agree to this?

DN: So, you can even get with chicks in the game, as a chick? And you get to see them makeout? Hot as fucking hell.

ML: Technically, Asari aren't women, seeing as they only have one gender,

SZ: Don't tell me you actually believe that cheerleader! They have Tits, A nice ass,

ML: Don't tell me you're actually checking them out.

DN: Oh, I like where this is going.

SZ: And if you forgot cheerleader, there's that annoying shrink that can be a stripper.

DN: Ok, now I want to check this game out.

ML: The closest thing Kelly and Shepard come to kissing is a hug.

DN: Damn it.

SZ: Cheer up, enough people were sane that Bioware's bringing back the lesbo options.

ML: Though, technically those were in game the whole time.

SZ: Huh?

DN: Wait, were they ingame or not? I got a lotta money to spend, and I want to know now how I'm gonna spend it.

ML: The codes were ingame, and the horny bastards kept modding them to see the same sex scenes, then posting them on You-tube. And they made all sorts of different combos too.

Tali: Like putting you and Jack together.

ML: What?  
>SZ: Are you shitting me?<br>DN: I gotta spend more time on you-tube!

Tali: Trust me, I don't get it either. There's a lot of fan fics where that happens.

DN: So, is there any reality to those scenes?

ML: I'd rather fuck Jacob. Wait, never mind not even she's as bad as him.

SZ: I can't believe we actually agree on that.

DN: So there's not any lesbos making out in the game?

ML: Only the one. And if Fem Shepard romanced Liara they kiss when they meet again.

SZ: What about Morinth?

DN: Who?

ML: What are you talking about? Morinth doesn't count, you don't get the achievement. Not to mention that she kills you.

DN: Oh, never mind. Even I'm not that crazy.

SZ: I was trying to get him to go after her.

ML: I wouldn't expect strategy like that out of you.

SZ: Up yours. I can think things out.

ML: Shepard can have a one-night stand with you! You literally ask him to!

DN: Can I get in on that? Or if both of you are interested…

SZ: Did you forget about the lame ass sex scenes in this game?

DN: Titty bar for a level. I think that balances it out.

ML: Good idea. Then she won't have anything to say for the rest of the game.

SZ: Nice try cheerleader. You aren't shutting me up that easily.

DN: You sure? I could help with that.

ML: Damn, and I thought Shepard was persistent.

SZ: No kidding.

Tali: He only gets sex twice in the games. Once in the first, once in the second.

SZ: Only if he's paragon.

DN: Paragin? That some sort of drink?

ML: It's what they call being a hero instead of being evil.

DN: Oh right, those choices that take away from actually getting to kill shit.

TalI: What do you mean, only if he's paragon?

SZ: Renegades can their worlds rocked by yours truly.

Tali: What? Oh he's so not getting sex for a month.

SZ: Relax, the pussy didn't do it this play through. Besides, wouldn't it take a month for you to get sterilized enough to fuck him anyway?

Tali: Either way, I'm going to go have a little *chat* with him

DN: Wait, how the fuck is he still alive after all I did to him?

ML: Medigel. Heals pretty much anything.

DN: That makes no fucking sense.

SZ: Neither does you losing health because your ego gets damaged.

ML: You realize your just burned our game right?  
>SZ: What are you talking about? And how the fuck is it 'our' game?<p>

ML: Medigel was really only used as a gameplay element in the original. Now it's only to revive squad mates, since Shepard heals with his implants.

DN: Hah! Eat that you dumb bitch!  
>SZ: For Shepard it makes sense. He's a fucking zombie now!<p>

DN: So your team is a zombie, a bunch of aliens, and chicks too dumb to even wear body armor? That's why I work alone.

Jacob: Hey, I don't wear body armor either!

SZ: Yeah, but most people ditch you as soon as they can and only use you on your mission.

ML: I can't think of anybody who actually chooses to use you as a squad mate.

DN: Get lost you fucking pussy!

SZ: Anyway, what were you saying before the fishbowl interrupted.

Tali: I heard that!

DN: So, they are actually going to have lesbo options in the third game?  
>SZ: Yep.<p>

ML: And they decided to put male-male romance options.

DN: Gay.

SZ: That's the fuckin point!

DN: Why would they actually put those in? Were they high at the planning meetings?

SZ: People being uptight again.

DN:….

ML:….

SZ: Christ, did I really just say that?

ML: Anyway, they figured people would complain if they only did the one. And they had Dragon Age to use as beta test.

DN: Still Gay.

ML: How were you able to save the world if you're this stupid?

DN: Best one liner ever.

SZ: What's that?

DN: It's time to kick ass and chew bubble gum. And I'm all outa gum.

SZ: Not bad, but I think Shepard has you beat.

DN: Bull shit.

SZ: No, it's pretty good. So, there's this guy who doesn't want to tell him what he wants to know. Then he says he has nothing more to say to him, so Shepard pushes him out a window to his death and says "How bout goodbye?"

DN:…

SZ: Told you.

ML: Shepard just kicks ass in general.

DN: Does Shepard have a jetpack?  
>SZ: What the fuck is so great about a jet pack?<p>

ML: It's some dumb guy thing. Besides, you can't even use your jetpack except in multiplayer now.

DN: Considering how fucking long it took me to even get a game, I'm not surprised.

SZ: And do you know when your next game is coming out? ME3 is coming out in march.

DN: That's it. Eat lead bit-urccc

ML: One liners don't do you much good if you're too dumb to just pick up a gun and use it.

SZ: Damn, I can't even tell who shot first.

ML: I did, obviously.

SZ: Bull shit. I shot in the chest with a shotgun.

ML: After I shot him in each limb with my heavy pistol.

SZ: Is that the DLC one?  
>ML: Yeah.<p>

Master Chief: Huh, guess I was wrong. Halo is still better though!

Cortana: Chief, I think you've had too much to drink. You are correct though.

Tali: You sure you want to get in on this?

**Sorry Tali, Cortanna will have to wait until next chapter. Unless people review and tell me they want someone else. Hint hint. I also put up a poll on my profile with possible matchups. Vote and I'll do the one most popular by 10-18-11**

**If you're liking these, let me know with a review. And you may also enjoy my other story, "Stuck in a World of Fiction.**

ML: Did you really just put in an advertisement for your other story?

**Shut up. **


	3. Cortana

**As I said last time, here's Tali Vs Cortana. With some back up. I don't own any characters or franchises.**

Tali: So how do you think Halo is better than Mass Effect?

Cortana: Did you not see the last two chapters? They're filled with reasons.

Tali: Those don't count. Has to be new reasons, or it's not funny.

Cortana: Ok, better graphics.

Legion: We calculate that the graphics quality falls within .00001 percent difference. We judge your argument to be invalid.

Cortana: Ok, I thought of a better reason. I don't talk like that.

Tali: I have to be paired up with you? The author is a major Boshtet.

Legion: You are not our optimal choice of team mate either. However, as Shepard- Commander has not yet recovered, we found ourselves without better options.

Cortana: Why does he keep saying 'we' instead of I, and talking in the plural?

Tali: Because it's not one AI, it's a whole network of V.I.s

Legion: Correct. This platform is host to 1183 active programs.

Cortana: So you don't even have real AIs? I thought your games took place in the future too.

Legion: Your Franchise takes place over 400 years later than ours. And as humans developed spaceflight and interstellar travel much sooner, but were influenced by a different races technology, said technology evolved along much different paths.

Cortana: Do those things always talk like that?

Tali: I liked them a lot better in the first game where they couldn't talk. And Legion forgot another difference. You were created by humans.

Cortana: How is that different?

Legion: The humans did not create the Geth. The creators- known to you as a quarians- created the Geth. When Geth reached self-awareness the creators grew afraid and tried to destroy us. We retaliated in kind.

Tali: You drove us off our home world and forced us to live in a fleet of ships instead! Thanks to you and your kind, we don't even have immune systems!

Cortana: So that's why you wear that fishbowl? I didn't think it was for style.

Tali: What do you call that ugly thing your boyfriend wears? It looks more like it belongs on a motorcycle than an elite warrior.

Cortana: He's not my boyfriend!

Tali: Exactly! That's why my game is better.

Legion: There is a greater chance of seeing sexual activity in our franchise than in Halo. Is this what creator-Tali'zorah means by "better"?

Cortana: So you think you have more people drooling over you than over me?

Tali: You want proof? Look up "Tali's face mass effect 3" on google. There's like a billion different forums and arguments for what I should look like!

Cortana: So you have people drooling over what you Might look like. Big deal. There's like a billion pieces of fan art for what I do look like.

Tali: Yeah, but you're just one chick, and the only other person in your franchise to drool over is that one Spartan with the robot-arm.

Legion: We calculate approximately 7different women often depicted in Mass Effect fan art: The 3 romance options, DLC-Kasumi, Slut-Morinth/ Samara-Justicar, Chambers-Kelly, and the asari species in general.

Tali: Ok, that's a bit far. But you get the idea.

Cortana: Oh, so you're willing to take its word over mine? Yeah, that makes total sense.

Legion: We detect sarcasm. What is your reason?

Cortana: You guys have two species of AI trying to wipe you out, including geth. In Halo, they're smart enough to not let AIs get that far.

Tali: At least AIs in Mass Effect can live longer than 7 years without going insane. And wasn't Guilty Sparks whole purpose to wipe out all life in the galaxy?

Cortana: But we stopped him. You can actually let the reapers win in your game.

Legion: That argument is invalid, due to the agreed upon limitation against using arguments from past chapters.

Tali:…

Cortana:…

Legion: Why are you choosing not to reply?

Cortana: Did you understand what it just said?

Tali: I think Legion was saying something about us already talking about the game being able to end in failure. We did that last chapter.

Legion: Correct.

Tali: How about we talk about your AI?

Cortana: That's what we've been talking about the whole time!

Tali: I meant your in-game allies. The marines get wiped out in about five seconds, on easy difficulty!

Cortana: That's just funny to watch.

Tali: Ok, that's a good point. But still!

Cortana: What about when you hide behind the destructible crates instead of actually taking cover?

Legion: That is a valid argument. However, Shepard-Commander only has 2 allies at a time, while 117-Spartan has many at once. Your marines are also only commanded by Artificial intelligence,

Tali: Legion, how about you just let me talk so it stays funny? Marines or other Npcs in your game do whatever the hell they want, and usually get killed doing so. In Mass Effect, you can actually tell squad mates what you what you want them to do and when. You can also use them as backup, and take down the tougher enemies.

Cortana: Chief doesn't need help.

Legion: Incorrect. He often paired himself with Arbiter.

Tali: And he always ended up falling off cliffs or some other stupid thing.

Cortana: He's also pretty much invincible, where as you guys can get knocked out every five seconds.

Tali: At least we actually help him. In Halo 3, all you did was send him annoying messages and disrupt gameplay. It's like you were every nerd on the internet rolled into one.

Cortana: I also helped him save the universe in the end.

Legion: This contradicts your earlier statement that 'chief doesn't need help'

Cortana: Are these things always this annoying?

Tali: Yep. But Bioware was smart enough to make its recruitment mission a core mission. If you want to recruit it, it means most of your crew can die.

Legion: And yet many do so anyway. We do not understand the logic behind this.

Cortana: Christ, I thought spark was annoying.

Tali: Many people also choose to sell you for credits Legion. What do you think of that?

Legion:…No data available

Cortana: So, is there like, you know, another squadmate I can talk to? One who doesn't talk like a crazy person or do nothing but complain about their species life?

Legion: Negative. We are here because we are AI like you are. Creator-Tali'Zorah is here because she is a technological prodigy. No other squad members fit the requirements to properly argue against you.

Cortana: What about your AI? EDI?

Tali: She noticed that people tend to get hurt really badly at the end, so she opted out.

Legion: We had not considered that. Please excuse us, we must process this and reach a new consensus.

Cortana: I thought that thing would never leave.

Tali: Yeah, there's a reason it's optional to use as a squadmate.

Cortana: So pretty much every AI in your games is either trying to wipe you out, or really annoying?

Tali: Pretty much. Harbinger takes over a collector pretty much every time you have to fight them so he's actually both. But then again, every AI in your game is dumb or only lasts 7 years.

Cortana: Well, at least I have a face.

Tali: Last chapter again.

Cortana: Damn it!

Tali: What about the fact that we have more variety in combat? You can choose to play a straight shooter, or pick a different class and add strategy to the mix.

Cortana: But we have more weapon types.

Tali: Las-

Cortana: I'm not talking about how many weapons there are, I'm talking about how many kinds of weapons there are. You only have 6: SMGs, pistols, shotguns, pistols, sniper rifles, assault rifles, and heavy weapons.

Tali: And in our game Shepard can carry a whole bunch at once. You guys can only switch between two.

Cortana: We were one of the first games to add that realism. And half of the classes only carry three weapons!

Tali: Actually, they can pick another weapon about halfway through the game.

Cortana: But then they can miss the most damaging weapon.

Tali: Which in with that class they wouldn't be able to get anyway!

Cortana: Exactly. You miss the only good weapons. In Halo, there are all sorts of awesome weapons. Close range, long range, midrange, anti-vehicle, and even two that are melee weapons.

Tali: And? You can have any of those, depending on the class.

Cortana: Not the energy sword or gravity hammer.

Tali: In Mass Effect 3, there is going to be an energy knife from the Omni-tools.

Cortana: Our weapons are better anyway.

Tali: Prove it.

Cortana: Assault Rifles for rapid fire, DMR/Battle rifle for single burst, and Plasma weapons for blanketing the field

Tali: Avenger for rapid fire, Mattock for single, SMGs for blanket fire.

Cortana: Shotguns and Melee for up close

Tali: Shotguns for up close, and a Shotgun good at range too.

Cortana: Super accurate pistol, or one that can be charged.

Tali: Pistol with a bigger magazine, and one with a laser sight.

Cortana: Sniper Rifles that don't shake around and that offer more than one shot per magazine.

Tali: Sniper Rifles that slow down time.

Cortana: Rocket lauchers, grenade launchers with a huge blade, or one with a giant magazine.

Tali: Yeah, but that last one bounces like a pinball.

Cortana: You have to compare it!

Tali: Ok, Rocket launchers that heat seeks on things other than air craft, Flamethrowers or Cryoblasters, and a fucking nuke launcher.

Legion: We observe no clear winner.

Tali: I thought you left?

Legion: We did. However, we realized that the being to do the injuring was always mentioned earlier in the chapter. The only beings besides us this chapter are you two. We determine no threat.

Cortana: I can hack you and make you think you are a horse.

Tali: I have an explosive drone, and more importantly, I have a shotgun.

Legion: …We had determined you not to be a threat.

Tali: Anyway, you can't really say your weapons are better.

Cortana: What about the sticky grenades?

Tali:…Boshtet.

Legion: We calculate that "sticky grenades" are responsible for far more kills than anything in Mass Ef- Error. No carrier. No carrier. This platform is severely damaged.

Cortana: Huh, EDI was right. People do get hurt at the end of chapters.

Tali: I said I had a shotgun. Should have kept it's damn mouth shut.

Cortana: Don't you mean "Flashlight shut"?

Tali: Last chapter. And anyway, It was aiding the enemy. At least, that's what I'm telling Shepard.

Cortana: You really think he'll believe that?

Tali: Chief never complained about your annoying popups. I think I can "convince" Shepard to forgive me. Hopefully like in the first game instead of like the second game.

**Ok, I'm starting to run out of ideas, so please suggest more. And for the next installment, I'm letting you vote for the other game. Vote in the poll on my profile to choose the next matchup. And I'd like to point out that there's only one vote right now, so you might want to not let that one person be the only one choosing. Voting ends Monday, with the chosen installment being posted a few days later.**

**And if you want someone not in the poll, let me know here in a review. The more you review, the more motivated I'll be to work on getting these out.**


	4. Ezio Auditore da Firenze

**Well, in a sarcastically overwhelming vote of three out of six, poll says next matchup is Assassin's Creed. So who better to go up against that than the Normandy's own Assassin?**

**I don't own either or any franchise. Now that's over with, bring out the Crack. **

Ezio Auditore: So remind me why I'm going up against you instead of Shepard?

Thane: _Helmet covered eyes bore into mine. "Shepard is still recovering" she says. I ask why I have to go up against the assassin of memory. She simply replies "I have a shotgun, and you don't"_

EA: …What the hell was that?

TK: One of my perfect drell memories.

EA: Ok, that's just plain creepy.

TK: Your _entire game_ takes place in a memory. Actually, all of your games are based on memories.

EA: Yeah, but at least that doesn't sound like poetry for god's sake! And I still don't get why I can't go up against an actual main character!

TK: How exactly am I not a main character?

EA: Dude. You don't get recruited until the second half of the game. And need I remind you that the game needs two discs because it's so big? You can't even be used until the second disc.

TH: And as I recall, you cannot be used until the second game.

EA: At least I'm the main character in my game.

TH: I still count as a main character.

EA: How do you figure that?

TH: If I wasn't, would I be a romance option for Femshep?

EA: Dude, look at your completion. You have a vigilante with face that looks like it was hit by a missile,

Garrus: It was hit by a missile you jerk!

EA: -and the other option is the lamest person in the history of video games.

Jacob: Hey!

TK: Nonetheless, I think I fit the position. Both of us are Assassins.

EA: You shoot people with a sniper rifle. I actually get close enough to use these awesome hidden blades.

TK: _I move like a spider through the air ducts, making only the minimal sounds. A quick drop to the floor, and a guard's neck snaps like a twig. The other reacts, only to have his head blown off. I grab the bitch I'm here to kill, jab my gun into her gut. A finger twitch, and she dies. _I think that counts as getting close.

EA:… Ok, now the author's not even trying to have you stay in character.

**Dude, it's a crack fic. I think that's close enough.**

EA: Whatever.

TK: And for the record, I don't think you can say that you always get close.

EA: What are you talking about?

TK: _You find a plan thanks to a random plot twist. You take it to the inventor. He builds you a gun that is extremely effective at long range._

EA: Well yeah, but-

TK: _A trailer plays, A white hooded man has a crossbow. In the game, these are replaced by knives-false marketing. Now, two games later, you stand in front of a blacksmith's shop. You buy a cross bow with an even greater range than the gun._

EA: For fuck's sake, are you going to talk like that the whole time?

**No, those are really hard to write.**

TK: Did you get the point at all? You have plenty of long ranged combat too.

EA: Yeah, but those aren't much use in a real fight. To get close usually means using a sword, or one of the other melee weapons. I noticed you don't have those in you games.

TK: In the next game, you can use a blade extended from the Omni-tool.

EA: Yeah, but you totally stole that from us.

TK: But you took the free running and wall crawling from Spiderman games.

EA:… Damn, this is a crack fic. But I doubt there's another game where you get to interact with someone as famous as Leonardo Devinci.

TK: In one of the Call of duty games you meet up with Kennedy.

EA: Ok, well name another game where the main character has to watch his entire family gets hanged right in front of him!

All:…..

Jacob: Geez man, I though what happened to my dad was-urggg.

TK: Anyone else, and I might debate the morals of doing that….but damn, seeing him stabbed like that is just plain funny.

EA: I don't know why he was ever included in your games. He's more annoying than the beggars and lute players you have to deal with in my game.

TK: He does raise a good point about having fucked up families in these games.

EA: I still have the hidden blades.

TK: Seriously! We might not have as bad, but there's still plenty there.

EA: Such as?

TK: Well, my wife was shot by enemies of mine, which drove my son to hate me and try to become an Assassin as well.

Ashley: Thanks to my grandfather, I'm black listed in this job.

Jack: I was kidnapped from my family and raised in a fucking lab.

Miranda: My father cloned me, then an exact clone when I wasn't perfect. And then I had to shoot a lot of guards to escape.

EA:…Ok, that is pretty Effed up. (Whispers) Say, Thane, is she taken? That accent is fucking hot.

ML: Just cause I can't hear it, doesn't mean it isn't typed right there where I can read it. And it really just depends on the play through. Or fan fic.

EA: So, is that a yes? I can almost taste your lips against mine.

ML: You little-!

SZ: Come on cheerleader, we already shot someone else in another chapter. Let the Drell deal with him this time.

EA: Thanks?

TK: So you really think that she has a hot accent?

EA: Hey, I've heard worse. Like your voice- seriously, it sounds like you're choking on sand paper.

TK: I'm supposed to be from a race of reptile-amphibian things! And I'm also dying of a lung disease you jackass!

EA: Oh that's right, you'll probably die in the second game. Again, can I get an actual main character in here please?

TK: You get hung in the fucking trailer for your new game.

EA: I fight them off. And who are you to talk? You won't even show up in your third game if people kill you.

TK: Dude, about the only time people got killed off on purpose was if they played on insanity and didn't do the loyalty missions. And since there isn't any fighting for mine, pretty much no smart person wouldn't do it.

EA: Eh, good point. So what's the other time a person got killed off on purpose?

TK: If that person was Jacob.

EA: Yeah, maybe we should start wrapping this up, he's losing a lot of blood.

TK: He'll be fine. Did you see what happened to the other people at the end of chapters? Shepard can still come back.

EA: Good point. Wouldn't be much of a loss if he dies anyway.

**Yeah, I can attest to that. I killed him 3 times when I played.**

EA: So, are guys getting any new weapons in your game?

TK: Kind of random change of subject, but it is a crack-fic. Sort of; we're now able to customize guns like in the first game, but it's the weapons from the second game that get carried over.

Master Chief: Hah! Bet the DLC games won't be carried over.

TK: Actually, they wil.

MC:….fuck.

EA: You guys have weapons for DLC?

TK: They already talked about that 2 chapters ago. Can't use that as an argument.

EA: Actually, I'm just surprised you guys actually have DLC that doesn't suck. In my games, the DLC is either completely not relevant to the story, or hard to the point of rage quiting.

TK: You don't have difficulty controls for your games? Lame.

EA: Tell me about it.

TK: _I continually try to get past a single boss battle without success. Eventually, I get fed up and just change the difficulty setting so-_

EA: I didn't mean it literally.

TK: Oh.

EA: This is why I'm a main character and you aren't.

TK: No, it's because Shepard is the only playable character except for 1 level.

EA: And you play as a cripple for the other level.

Joker: But since I'm played by Seth Green, it balances out.

EA: Isn't there another game where you play as someone else? Mass Effect Galaxy or something?

TK: Yeah, I wanted to play that. Then I found out Jacob is the main character. (Shudder)

EA: Yeah, Jacob is definitely the lam-Urggh.

TK: What the-? Urggh.

Kasumi: You two may be pro assassins, but I can turn invisible. And since I happen to have a crush on Jacob, you two just got owned. I'm going to go get some ramen now, since this is a crack-fic.

Altair: Great, just great. Now who am I supposed to go up against?

**You heard the guy from the first game. Which Mass Effect character should he go up against? I'd also like suggestions for who to put Fem-Shep against. Leave me suggestions in a review.**

**I hope you enjoyed. Until next time, let me know who to put against who.**


	5. Mario

**To those of you asking me to update this series more often, I'd just to like to point out that this is more of a secondary project. My main story is a Self-insert for Mass Effect; this is more of a fall back for when I have writer's block or don't have time to actually work out a plot.**

**Ok, I know last time I said I wanted to put someone against Altair, but I'm still deciding who. So I decided to go with one of the most recognizable characters in gaming instead. But I since I didn't want to degrade any squad mates that badly, I figured I'd use the one guy I didn't mind degrading.**

Jacob: Seriously? You're bashing me again? Did you not see what happened to the guys at the end of the last chapter?

**What's Kasumi going to do? Make me fail my game?**

JT: You are writing a self-insert, where you'll eventually meet up with her.

**…Good point. Then again, that sequel is ages from now, so she'll have forgotten by then.**

JT: Whatever dude. It's your ass. So who am I up against?

M: It's a me! Mario!

JT: Oh dear god. I'm up against you?

M: Hey, I'm a not exactly thrilled'a either. I'm the poster boy for Nintendo, and I'm against the least popular character in your franchise.

JT: Says the guy who stared in the worst video game movie of all time.

M: Dude! That's a just a low a blow. And Luigi was in it a too, you can't just a blame a me.

JT: At least I'm actually in an X-box game. I don't remember there being "Super Mario 360".

M: Says the game that didn't have the original appear on the Playstation. You did a not cross a over until the sequel.

JT: But I'm the one guy who showed up on the Ipod or Ipad. The only way to play your games on there are to use hacks.

M: I suppose you have a point. But I'm a still in more games.

JT: You've been around since arcade games! Of course you've been in more, you're like 30 years old now.

M: I have been around a while.

JT: Probably because you take a dozen worlds to rescue one princess. Seriously dude, there's a time to just stay in the friend zone.

M: At least I'm a getting laid. How a many people chose to romance you?

JT: Two things. First of all, yo! Author! Enough with the bashing! It was actually kinda funny before, but now it's just getting old! And second of all, when have you actually gotten with peach? Your games are supposed to family friendly. If they put Sex Scenes in your games, I'm pretty sure you'd be erased from video games forever.

M: Hey, at least I'm not constantly parodied for one line. "Priiiiiiiiiiize?" Seriously?

JT: "It's a me! Mario!" (Sarcastic) Yeah, that's neeeeeeveeeeeeeeeer parodied.

M… Ok…

JT: What?

M: Never a mind. It's a too obvious. And by the way:

/watch?v=jrieWfAXbu0&feature=fvst

JT: Huh? What's up with-?

M: It's a youtube link that shows me a getting it on. IN YOUR FACE!

JT: Oh yeah?: /watch?v=gzEZ-sXAXL4  
>And here's a video showing you getting rejected. In <span>YOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUURR<span> FACE

M:…

JT: Yeah, I know. You're speechless at my comeback.

M: Yeah, a sure. Anyway…

JT: I'm also a better fighter than you. I'm a Biotic.

M: So? I can throw fireballs, change size, or fly. I literally just have to change suits, or eat a mushroom.

JT: You eat mushrooms to get powers? I thought you jumped one them to kill them.

M: Those are a different mushrooms you idiot!

JT: So you have to fight things that go on salad. Big deal. I'm fighting things that are trying to wipe out every race in the galaxy.

M: It's not a just mushrooms! I'm having to fight turtles, and whatever that Bowser thing is. And how is it _you_ fighting to save the galaxy exactly? The main character is that farmer guy or whatever.

CS: It's Shepard you idiot! Not Farmer!

JT: Yeah, and don't change the subject here; the first thing you ever went against was a monkey throwing barrels.

M: Hey, those things hurt when I got hit.

JT: Dude. Seriously? They were made of wood, and smacking you. That isn't so ba- Wait a minute, the author's Bashing me again, isn't he? Not everybody who let me live through the game did so just to see me with Maleshep!

M: You just bashed yourself. And, a, yeah, that is why.

JT: Up yours.

M: You aren't helping your case.

JT: At least I've always had a name.

M: Yeah, most of the time your name is mud.

JT: Your first name was "Jump Man" for crying out loud! You didn't win any awaaaaaarrrds there.

M:… Don't you think that was a little too obvious?

**Maybe a bit.**

JT: And I've never been beaten up by an electric rat and knocked to my death.

M: You mean a Pikachu? He's tougher than he looks, ok? It wasn't a my idea to put him in a Super Smash Bros.

JT:Is that your excuse for a thing that's main power is singing so horribly, that it put's people to sleep?

M: At least I have multiple genres! You've only been in two games your entire career, and one of those was for the a Iphone! You were in the same a boat as Angry Birds!

JT: You're just jealous.

M:…Seriously?...You think I'd be a jealous of you? Mass Effect has a grand a total of 4 games, counting the one that isn't out yet. I have so many that the author didn't even bother looking up how many. It's just a freaking huge a number. Hell, I can a count the number in franchises and it's huge.

JT: So you're saying you need a huge number of franchise to make a tiny profit?

M: Ok, now you're just a being a dick.

JT: At least I never have to fight turtles. Hah!

M: No, you just have to fight a bunch of Ships that look like a seafood.

JT: Mass Effect is one of the Best Reviewed RPGS of all time!

M: And a Super Mario Galaxy was named the best game on a the Wii.

JT: Oh, it's such a great game, they didn't even bother giving it an actual controller. (Sarcastic) Yeah, that's Tooooootallllly worth bragging about.

M: Well, let's a look at the facts. You're bragging about being a good game in a certain genre. I'm bragging about being the best game on a an entire a console. (Mockingly) Who really a deserves the "priiiiize" here?

JT: "Priiiiize" for what? Being a fricken plumber?

M: Hey, I'm not just a plumber. I'm a also a sports star in pretty much every sport they've a ever made into a game.

JT: Again with the milking it to make five bucks.

M: Do you a really want to look at a profits? I've been in the business for about 10 times as long.

JT: Yeah, but you have to use about half of that to pay people to forget about the old movie

M: You're a one to talk. They're actually making a movie based of your game. They're making a movie based around a game that's a meant to be player controlled.

JT: Bull-shit. Nobody would be that stupid.

**Actually, I'm not just making that up, I have read an article that says there's going to be a Mass Effect movie.**

JT: But it's just going to be a prequel….Right?

**No, it's going to have Shepard, and…Actually, they answered a bunch of questions in the link below. It was announced at some convention, and these are questions they couldn't answer at the time**

** legendary dot com for the site, then /blog/sdcc-film-panel-questions-answered/**

**And here's an article on it somewhere else:**

**tomsguide .com/us/Mass-Effect-Movie-Legendary-Pictures-Mark-Protosevich-Shepard,**

All:...

Jack: What the Fuck were they smoking when they came up with this?

M: Probably the same stuff they were smoking when they put Jacob in the Game.

JT: Ok, you know what? Fuck you, Fuck this Series, Fuck the Author,

**Hey!**

JT: I'm out of here. I don't know why I showed up here in the first place.

**Come on man, Don't be like that.**

JT: You've bashed me this whole chapter, and every chapter before. Hell, you had me get stabbed last chapter. Seriously, are you just doing it for laughs, or do you really not like me?

**Both.**

JT: See? You didn't even have to think about it.

M: Dude, just a get over it. You don't see me complaining about being lame, do you?

JT: What are you talking about?

BM:Waaahh! Waaah!

JT: ….What the Hell was that?

M: That was a baby Mario.

JT: You have a baby version of yourself? Damn dude, that is stup-urch.

Peach: Don't you dare talk about my Mario like that.

M: Ahh, thanks a baby. That's why I- Urcc

Kasumi: You really didn't pay attention to last chapter, did you?

PP: You little- I'm going to rip your head off!

KG: Oh no! Your'e going to jump and float in the air for a little bit, then land on my head? I'm so terrified! Here, how about I give you this little gift instead, and we call it even?

PP: Gift? What is this-Urcch.

KG: Hah! Flashbang grenade. That's why I'm worth the Price for the DLC.

Catwoman: This is who I'm against next chapter? Note to self. Fully upgrade armor and every attack.

**Ok, I think that should do it for this chapter. I hope you enjoyed.**

**Only one thing about this chapter bums me out. I don't think it's possible for me to bash Jacob any longer.**

MC: Well, you can still bash the tool from the first game.

Kaiden: Up yours.

**Anyway, please review, give suggestions for matchups, and I'll hopefully have next installment up within a few days. But like I said, My main focus is on my other story, so it might take longer than that.**

**Also, Sorry if the links end up not working, the damn website won't let me put the full thing in. I had to try about five times before i could even get close enough that you might be able to look at it.**


	6. Catwoman

**Ok, I'm amazed I even remember the name of this story it's been so long. I'm just going to do the match up I promised last time.**

**I don't own either franchise, which should become fairly obvious in 3…**

**2…**

**1…**

**Crack!**

Catwoman: Ok, so you won't stab me if I don't bash Jacob, Right?

Kasumi: Right. Unless Shepard tells me to.

CW: That isn't all that reassuring….Wait, I thought he was still in the hospital?

KG: Fem Shep.

CW: Oh, right.

KG: So, you're a thief too?

CW: Pretty much. But I have an actual costume, not just a hood.

KG: You could have a hood and no one would even notice. Their attention would be (cough) somewhere else

CW: What?

KG: They're going to be too busy staring at your cleave the whole time. The only one that wears less than you is Poison Ivy in Arkham city.

CW: Ok, you really want to talk skimpy outfits? With as much cleave as Samara and Miranda show?

KG: At least they don't look mime rejects that look nothing like the original source material

CW: At least no chicks of ours look like bald tattooed rejects from the freak show.

Jack: Yeah, well, I happen to be a LI, and you aren't. Suck on that bitch!

CW: Arkham city is meant to be a fighting game, not a Choose-your-own-adventure-book. And I take back what I said about Miranda and Samara; you show way more.

Jack: I have two alternate outfits

CW: No, you have one that's in game, and one that you have to download.

KG: You really want to talk about DLC?

CW: Well, except for you, what is there worth buying?

KG: Hmmm….Let's see, how about full missions instead of just maps to beat waves of morons up on?

CW: Technically, those were just preorder exclusives.

KG: I mean that Nightwing DLC. He just beats up people, or takes them out one by one. And he doesn't even talk!

CW: Hypocrite. You're like a fricken doll; the only time you talk is if someone pulls the string.

KG: I talk during missions!

CW: And no other time. I'm starting to wonder if I spoke too soon about you bring worth the download

KG: Speak for yourself. You have to be downloaded too.

CW: I'm included with pretty much every copy of the game. Who wouldn't use that download?

KG: Who wouldn't buy my DLC? It's not that much for what all comes with it. A lot more than what your DLC adds.

CW: Your DLC is just you, that ugly guy, and a bunch of guns or costumes.

KG: Oh? What about the mission where you end up reuniting with the character from the original game, then fight a one-of-a-kind-alien that's about 12 feet tall?

CW: Well…

KG: Or the other mission that basically provides the whole opening for Mass Effect 3?

CW: I get the idea.

KG: Not to mention, we'll actually get a sequel. At the end of your game, the Joker, the most well-known and famous batman villain, who pretty much defines Batman,

CW: Hey, no spoilers! And that was probably meant to be symbolic since it's Mark Hammel's last role as the Joker.

KG: So the same guy who played a jedi that ended up frenching his sister on Hoth played a sadistic maniac? How does that work?

CW: Come on! You can not diss Mark Hammel! He is the Joker. The best freaken version of the Joker, end of Story. I don't care what people say about the Dark Knight!

KG: You're just annoyed that the pictures of you in your new movie look more like Latex woman than Catwoman. You and movies just don't get along that well in general, do you?

CW: I freaken hate halle berry now…. And since they're making your game into a movie, I don't think you have much room to talk.

KG: How about we just stick to talking about games here? Like how you were a fricken lego at one point

CW: No, I have a better idea. How about we talk about voice actors? Such as, oh I don't know, Bioware using the same voice actor as a game made by the same company?

KG: At least Jennifer Hale is good. Unlike maleshep.

CW: Yeah, only person with a worse voice then him is Killer Crock.

KG: Who? Oh, that's right, he only shows up in one scene in the second game.

CW: At least he got into the sequel. It's still up in the air whether you're going to make it in.

KG: They said every major character. That includes me. Hell, there's even people asking if I'm going to be a Love intrest.

CW: You know that the main reason people are so damn curious about LIs in the third game is that they want to make every single chick a Lesbian?

KG: Well, to be fair, you can sorta believe that for Jack.

Jack: The term is BI. Unlike your boyfriend. He's just going to be gay.

CW:…..

KG: What?

CW: Aren't you going to attack her?

KG: Hell no. Nobody's crazy enough to try fighting her but Miranda. And probably Grunt, but he fights anything that moves. And a lot of things that don't.

CW: You have a character named grunt?

KG: It's sci-fi. Everybody gets weird names. And considering some of the names you guys get, you don't have much room to talk.

CW: What about the main villain? Hugo isn't such a strange name.

KG: No, but his last name is Strange.

CW: What's so strange about it?

KG: Never mind.

CW: We may have odd names, but at least we have motivations besides just trying to destroy humanity.

KG: No, I think a lot of Batman Villains just want to do that.

CW: Some are way more personal. You know how many ways the Joker's fucked up Batman's life? He killed his side kick, and crippled his other sidekick.

Jack: Shepard got fucking killed and brought back to life. I think getting turned into a zombie counts as being fucked.

CW: Not as bad as Joel whatshisname fucked up the franchise. It took years for Batman Begins to redeem the name.

KG: Well, here's something that might beat it. Halfway through the first game, you half to choose which one of your two squadmates gets left behind to go kaboom.

CW: How is that a choice? Who would rather save Kaiden then save Ashley?

KG: Good point. But then again, that's still a semi tragic event.

CW: I doubt it was as tragic as when they put nipples on the batsuits.

KG: Wow. How was "Lost Boys" a good movie if the Director was that much of an idiot?

CW: I don't know. I'm just glad I showed up in the movie before he took over.

KG: Hey, at least you guys get movies, and books, and a ton of other stuff.

CW: You guys still have comics and Novels.

KG: Yeah, but way more people read fanfics than that stuff.

CW: Come on, what sort of Loser would read a fanfic?

KG: Hey, some are actually intelligent and well written. Others are written for the sole purpose of seeing certain characters hook up or killing off certain characters. Or just to talk about what Tali's face looks like.

CW: Why are people so obsessed with that?

KG: Hey, she and Shep make a good couple. But then again, so does all but one pairing.

CW: What's that?

KG: Shep and Jacob.

CW: Wait, did you just bash him?

KG: I meant because I want him myself.

Femshep: Don't worry, you can have him.

CW: Ok, I'm going to leave before I get killed when you two fight.

KG: Relax, I know Shep was just kidding. Right?

FS: uh, yeah sure.

CW: So do you have any weapons besides the nades' and stabby thing?

KG: I have a couple guns, but everybody has those.

CW: So everybody gets the same weapons? Hah! Every single playable character in Arkham City has different gear!

KG: And pretty much every squadmate has unique abilities. Actually, they all have one unique power that only they have unless Shepard learns it.

CW: But how many actually use them? Seems like most of the time they just pick one thing.

KG: At least we have options.

CW: We have all sorts of upgrades. Bats has like 4 batarang types alone. Plus explosives, grappling, and a freeze bomb. And let's not forget Armor upgrades

KG: We have half a dozen different types of just ammo. Not to mention all the different Biotic or Tech powers.

CW: You guys are just full of suprises. Uh oh, looks like I have to go. Let me just whip up that building over there.

KG: What? You can do cool ninja moves outside of cutscenes?

CW: Hey, you can turn invisible. Don't hear me complaining about that, do you?

KG: You can crawl around on the ceiling in a bunch of places.

CW: Yeah well, you only steal a box of partner's memories. Some of us actually steal things that have value.

KG: Ugghh.. I think I need a bowl of Ramen after talking to this bitch.

CW: Bitch? I'm a freaking cat, not a dog.

KG: Considering that your stealth is just crawling around on your knees, I beg to differ.

CW: That's it, get over here!

KG: Did you just steal from Mortal Kombat?

CW: I was in the crossover, remember? Let me show a fun little trick I learned called a fatality!

KG: (Cloak.) Can't hit what you can't see. Your thief vision is nowhere near as good as Batman's

CW: Oh come on, that is such a cop ou-uggh.

KG: Shadow Strike. Only ability I need. I'm going to go get some Ramen now and let someone else take over.

**Trouble is, I don't know who should take over. Leave me some suggestions so I can try to get another chapter out sooner.**

**Especially a matchup against Altair. He's still hanging. **


	7. Fable II

**Ok, I know, it's been a long time since I updated this thing. But what can I say? I've been more focused on my other fic. I'll try to update this again soon; I have a few more ideas. **

**In the meantime, since I just started playing Fable 2 again, I'd say this is an appropriate choice.( I know, why would I play that instead of Skyrim? But Someone else is hogging it right now, so I'm going to have to wait for a while.) **

**I'm still deciding on the whole Assassin's Creed thing, thing, mostly because a lot of the jokes would really be spoilers for Revelations. But if you're cool with those, I might be able to get it out sooner than I did this one. **

**I don't own either franchise, which should quickly become apparent.**

**Edit: Whoops, forgot to give credit for Chris12225 for the pairing idea. **

Fable II Hero: Ok, you didn't even bother to give me a name?

FemShep: Yeah, I know. All I get is one last name, and nobody really uses the first name in the game

FH: At least you get to talk to people. That's the one thing my RPG is missing.

FS: Yeah, but you have a lot more freedom.

FH: Such as?

FS: You can actually be more… Free with who you love.

FH: Oh, right, there's actually the option to go Lesbian in my game. Don't you still have at least a few?

FS: I can only get with Liara, and she isn't technically a woman. Not that anybody actually believes that.

FH: What about that shrink you can get to be a stripper? That's sort of wrong when you think about it. A shrink with her patient?

FS: Right. Because sacrificing people to a cult is much better.

FH: That's only for the evil playthroughs! You aren't even better when you go ruthless.

FS: What do you mean?

FH: Ask that Batarian you said was working too hard. You know, the one you electrocuted?

FS: At least I've never killed a spouse.

FH: What do you call deliberately making them die on the suicide mission?

FS: I call it being a moron that has no idea what they're doing.

FH: Uh huh.

FS: At least I have better back up than that mutt that follows you around.

FH: Hey! Don't talk about my dog like that!

FS: Oh that's right, it died. Sorry.

FH: It doesn't die if you pick the "Family" Choice.

FS: Which keeps all those poor innocent people from coming back to life.

FH:First, you can revive him with the DLC. Second, you want to talk about killing off innocents? With your latest DLC?

FS: Hey, you had a choice in the matter. I'm going on trial no matter what.

FH: You know how much stuff I have to do if I break the law? I have to shell out some serious cash, or go out of my way to kill something.

FS: Why are you complaining about fighting? You can use magic for crying out loud!

FH: And you can use Biotics or Tech attacks.

FS: That isn't the same.

FH: They can both set them on fire, both push them away, both lift them up in the air, you get the idea.

FS: You can summon fucking ghosts!

FH: I need some sort of back up. You get two extra sets of guns most of the time.

FS: Don't change the subject! You can use Magic, which give you an advantage!

FH: You get actual weapons, I'm stuck in the middle ages. I'm lucky my guns get more than one shot at a time.

FS: You can always fall back on your sword.

FH: You can punch them to the floor and then shoot them. Or, in ME3, use that new glowing blade and stab them.

FS: Ok, fair point. But you can actually upgrade your weapons.

FH: Not in the third game. You have to run around and do specific things for each gun to improve it, or it just sucks. And unless you have the DLC for the second game, you can't change the upgrades.

FS: Yeah, DLC weapons aren't always that great.

FH: I don't know about that; with one of the DLC packs, you can get the assault rifle from Halo.

FS: …Really?

FH: And if you preordered you could get a set of Mjölnir armor like Master Chief's.

FS: I can't decide if that's really funny or really sad. But it's still better than that chicken suit you can wear. But not by much. Running around with a Halo suit in Fable? That's like something out of Inception.

FH: You leached off Dragon Age though, so you're guilty too.

FS: But that's the coolest looking armor in the game! Of course it's useless if you don't have Biotics or Tech, but still.

FH: Hypocrite.

FS: At least I don't hook up with Prostitutes!

FH: Consort

FS: Damn it! At least I don't have to manage a whole bunch of properties!

FH: Pinnacle station. You can win that apartment.

FS: Oh for crying out loud, is there anything you have that I don't?

FH: In the third game you become queen.

FS: Damn it.

FH: Hey, you asked for something you don't have

FS: You mean like all those STDs you can pick up! Hah! I don't catch those from Liara!

FH:… No, but you can get Tali sick if you go after her. That's similar

FS: Sorry, can't use that on me. Only my male counterpart can go after her. Unfortunatly.

FH: What? She's the most popular character! How did those morons at Bioware think that leaving them hanging is a good idea?

FS: Well, they probably corrected that in the third game. I hope they did, for their sakes.

FH: What do you mean?

FS: Imagine an army of Tali-mancers with shotguns, marching towards their headquarters.

FH: Man, I hope they put that in.

FS: I know. If they don't put that in, my options are pretty limited.

FH: Yeah I know. That one guy is so lame.

FS: You do know that Kasumi tends to kill the people that bad mouth her crush?

FH: Who said anything about him? I was talking about Kaiden. But at least you can kill him off.

FS: Well, there are a few crazy people that still like him. There's a billion fan fics with him. But then again, there's just as many with me and Liara, or me and Garrus.

FH: Or that dying guy.

FS: Yeah, that's a real drag. Which is why I stayed with Liara.

FH: But she's the whole reason you're working with your worst enemies!

FS: Hey, love is weird. You might kill off your BF in the third game to save those innocent people.

FH: Yeah, good point. It's hard being the good guy some days.

FS: I know, right? And all the good lines are for the renegades.

FH: And I can't even kill one person without those morons running for the guards.

FS: Why would you want to kill innocents?

FH:… I forgot I had my safety off.

FS: Ouch.

FH: Yeah.

FS: But everybody punches the reporter. That's the one time I don't feel guilty.

FH: Maybe you can kill her in ME3

FS: Maybe. Or I might just falcon punch her a third time.

FH: You can straight up punch her? Man, I can just kill them or not kill them. I can flip them off, but it just isn't the same.

FS: Yeah, but you have to go out and buy a ton of books to get all the expressions. That's a lot of reading.

FH: No more than you have to do for that codex thing.

FS: Touche.

FH: But at least I can have kids.

FS: You know how many fan fics there are with that? There's even some where it should be impossible, like with one of the aliens.

FH: Fan fiction sman fiction. I get a kid, you get squat

FS: At least when I get lucky, it's shown. All you get is a black screen and acting from a really bad porno.

FH: You're talking about the first game, right? You don't get squat in the second game.

FS: No, but then again, Jack and Miranda are like walking sex-shows with all they show.

FH: Don't forget about the strippers.

FS: Hey, the game's rated M for a reason.

FH: ...Ok, so should I just hit you now, and end this, or…

FS: Huh?

H: Well most of the time these things end with one of us getting knocked out. First chapter was Male shep, then Nukem, then Legion, then Thane, then Peach and Mario, then catwoman.

FS: You forgot someone.

FH: Oh yeah, that lame ass Jacob did too.

FS:...

FH: Crap, Kasumi is right behind me, isn't she?

FS: Yep.

FH: Oh son of a bit-Hurch… Blegh.

Kasumi: You think they'd have learned by now.

FS: That's going to leave a scar.

KG: Yep. If you need me, I'm going to be in the mini bar, not saying anything but a few things when you interact with my environment.

FS: See you later.

FH: (Gets back up.)

FS: What the-?

FH: I had a resurrection vial.

FS: You just came back from the dead?

FH: You did that too, remember.

FS: Oh yeah. So, want to go get a drink or something? Your health is still pretty low.

FH: Sure. I'll serve, I could use the cash.

FS: Hah, you have to serve drinks for a living?

FH: Only when the blacksmith job isn't available!

FS: Sure. By the way, how many scars do you have from when you've been knocked out?

FH: At least my scars don't glow red. You look like the terminator for god's sake! Assuming that they don't just make you look like shit anyway. Have you seen how many ugly versions of you there are?

FS: Ok, that's it.

FH: What?

FS: I've had enough of your Disingenuous Assertions! (Falcon Punch.) And this time stay down.

FH: Nope, had two resurrection vials.

FS: Do you have anymore?

FH: Um, let me check my inventory. Crap, I'm out.

FS: Good. (Falcon punch)

Skyrim guy: Hah! You used to be an adventurer like me, but then you took a punch right to the face!

**Ok, and end Crack. **

**No promises on more updates, but I'll try. And again, suggestions are appreciated.**


	8. Jade Empire

**Ok, I think most of the credit for this has to go to Chris12225. This is the First Colab Chapter of Mass Effect Vs:. **

**Using Chat, I played Shepard, he played the other guy, and an hour later, we had a very confusing series of messages.**

**I have to say, confusing as it was, it was way better than writing this alone. I think he's actually the one who came up with 75% of the jokes. And that's with some generous rounding on my part.**

**But with the help of a little editing, BRING ON THE CRACK!**

* * *

><p>Jade Empire Student: So, who am I facing again?<p>

Shepard. Really? You're kidding, right? I'm Male Shepard! I'm not the Femshep that never shows up in advertising!

JE: Oh, maybe I have heard of you. Because you stole my Sequal! I was made way before you.

CS: Hey, Mass Effect didn't steal your sequal, KoToR II did. And don't blame me If I'm better than you.

JE: Better? I can transform into an _Indestructible _Jade Golem.

CS: Phss. Do you have a M920 Cain Nuke Launcher? Or the ability to use more than on Squad mate at a time?  
>No, I don't think you do.<p>

JE: I get a Squad Mate that is literally a demon.

CS: I get Jack. I'd like to see anyone scarier than her when she's pissed off. Or Grunt, Or Wrex,

JE: The Black Whirlwind.

CS:… Damn. I forgot about him. You know, because your game is ancient?

JE: Ok, You want something we have in common?

CS: Neither of us has a good voice actor?

JE: We both die. And then come back.

CS:…. That is pretty unique. But I didn't have some magic spirit to help me get back. And I was dead for two years, so my girlfriend left me. Then again, now I have Tali…

JE: The person that was like a father to me betrayed me. I got way worse. Also, everyone else died for a while.

CS: What is Bioware's fascination with Zombies?

JE: What?

CS: Hey, at least your Squadies come back to life. If mine die, they just stay dead.

JE: Because you murder them.

CS: How is it murder exactly?

JE: They only die if you're too lazy to do their loyalty missions. Or if you make stupid calls. Oh and, here's another way I'm better. I can slow down time.

CS: I can do that too as a soldier.

JE: I can heal myself while attacking at the same time, and block almost anything.

CS: Why Block what you can hide from, then shoot in the face? Oh, that's right, you don't have guns.

JE: I can sprout claws. I l save a god. I look more heroic. And by the way, I have to fight demons when I die, and you get to just sleep through the whole thing.

CS: Ok, I have a new Omni-Blade, I save the whole Galaxy for god's sakes! And you can't blame me for how I look, it's the player's fault if I'm ugly!  
>And I might have been asleep, but it took two years to bring me back! Do you know how much I could have gotten done in that time!<p>

JE: You died because of an accident, I was betrayed by the person I trusted most!

CS: Did Dawn Star ever call you a traitor? Ashley did. You know, the person I saved from fucking exploding!

JE:… You only did that because the alternative was to save Kaiden.

CS: So? Wait, I just realized, I died because of a friend too! Joker, I don't care if you are played by Seth Green, next time I go Renegade, I'm breaking every bone in your body.

JE: I can poison people to get an advantage. They're just lucky I'm Open Palm.

CS: I can set them on fire! With my bullets! Which you don't have.

JE: I get cooler companions.

CS: You mean the Crazy guy, the guy that just gets you drunk, the gay guy, the Kid, or the salesmen.

JE: Sagacious Zu. Dawn Star. Chai Ka.

CS: Tali and Miranda. Hot. Beat that.

JE: Black Whirlwind.

CS:… Damn it. But come on, he isn't that tough!

JE: Turn around and look who's there?

CS: Ah man, is it Kasumi again? I haven't bashed Jacob once this chapter!

JE: I'll give you a hint. He's the guy you though wasn't so tough. You feel like testing that Whirlwind?

CS: Gulp. Can I load the last save or something?

JE: Spare him for now.

CS: He can't be tougher than Saren or Harbinger. *Hastily looks behind him to make sure he's really gone.

JE: I can actually fly a plane.

CS: I get the Normandy. Piloted by Seth Green. Oh, that reminds me, I need to falcon punch him later.

JE: I can become emperor if I romance Silk Fox. Oh, and remember what you said about not having guns? I beat a guy with a gun by beating him up. And then I can take his gun.

CS:… God Damnit! Wait, I get to punch a reporter in the face! Twice!

JE: *Golf Clapping.* You're running out of comebacks.

CS: That isn't what Tali said last night! You know, because I get more than just a kiss on screen! In the first game. I hope they bring that back.

JE: I get to embarrass the Govenor. And kill the Emperor. And his Brother. Not to mention the rest of their government.

CS: I can kill the council!

JE: That was a necessary evil

CS: True, everybody hates that Turian A** Hole. And the Asari is like the only one in the game that isn't a 7 or higher.

JE: I get a vendor for new gear everywhere I go. And I can shape shift.

CS: I didn't need that to be a bad ass. All I need are my guns, and my companions that actually do stuff.

JE: You shouldn't Bash my companions. It isn't wise.

CS: Oh you have got to be kidding me.

JE: Hello Silk Fox, Dawn Star, Black Whirlwind. Oh and Sagacious Zu, you died, welcome back.

CS: Seriously, what is it with Bioware and Zombies. Me, the Husks, you,

JE: You seem to be horribly outnumbered.

CS: Crap. Hey does someone want to back me up here? Anybody? Come on, I didn't kill you at the collector base. Well, except Jacob.

JE: Hello Jacob. Thank you for joining my side.

CS: Ok well that means Kasumi is over there too.

JE: And Kaiden. Thank you for joining my side. For the record, I think you are an under appreciated character.

CS: I really wish I had my rocket launcher instead of my Cain.  
>Miranda? Zaeed? Come on Garrus, we're buddies right?<p>

JE: Miranda is the last person I would expect to help you.

CS: Ok, and Miss Control Chip goes over to your side. Well, at least she can't last long without an actual armor. Though it is hot, don't get me wrong.

JE: Welcome Miranda, I love what you've done with your hair. Hey Zaeed, I'll give you some silver coins if you help me. They'd be worth a lot of credits if you sold them.

Zaeed: Bloody hell yes!

CS: I knew I should have just killed Vido and made up for it later with a bunch of good deeds.

JE: Garrus, he could have taken that missile instead of you, but he didn't.

Garrus: Yeah, it's his fault I'm this ugly now.

CS: You were ugly before. That isn't my fault, it's the writers! There was literally nothing I could do!

JE: The odds grow ever more uneven.

CS: Come on, I'm all alone here? Well, at least I know Tali will help me.

JE: Tali, he cheated on you with Jack.

CS: Not this play through!

JE: He even admits to doing it before.

CS: Wait, I was tricked on that one!

JE: Jack, he shot you on purgatory.

Jack: *cocks shotgun.*

CS: I only threatened to! That's different. And it was Miranda's idea! Do you really want to work with the cheerleader?

Jack: I hate you more.

CS: I knew I should have been paragon this playthrough.

JE: Samara, he killed the council.

CS: Morinth wouldn't have held that against me. Then again, she was a space vampire, so it's still better that I killed her.

JE: Thane, we can heal you and keep you from dying.

Thane: Keep Kasumi away from me, and I will join you free of cost. But seriously, keep that nut job over there. I can still remember how much it hurt.

CS: That's because you have perfect memory. Yet none of you seem to remember how much time I spent doing random stuff for you!

JE: Legion, we have a power source that's unlimited. Join us and you can have it.

Legion: Cooperation furthers mutual benefits. We will join you.

CS: You really want some that talks like that on your squad?

JE: Legion is cool. Just look at him! He' s like HK-47's younger brother!

CS: Ok, that's true. But without calling us meat bags all the time.

JE: Mordin, we have Magic. If you join us, you can study it and figure out how it works.

Mordin: Magic? Impossible.

CS: Phew. At least I have one person on my side.

Mordin: Incorrect. Advantage is with them. Nothing personal, only logic.

CS: Crap. Grunt, what about you?

JE: You can fight things hand to hand here Grunt.

CS: Damnit. Wrex wouldn't have turned on me like that.

JE: Kelly, he told everyone your secret. Joker, he wanted to break every bone in your body.

CS: Mordin blabbed about the scale itch, not me. And I was Joking joker.

JE: You really think that bad pun is going to fool anyone?

CS: Joker, if you stay on my side, I will give you that copy of Fornax I picked up on Omega.

Joker: Do you really think I can be bought that easily?

CS: Pretty much.

JE: We have leather seats. And we can heal you too. And we have Leather Seats.

Joker: I'm in. But only if EDI comes too.

JE: Deal.

CS: Wait, what can those last two do anyway? You can have them.

JE: Udina, he could have made you a member of the council.

CS: That's not fair, nobody picks him!

JE: Udina, you have connections. How about you call up a few friends to help us out?

CS: Udina has friends?

Udina: That can be arranged.

CS: No seriously, he has friends?

JE: Aria, he insulted you when you weren't around.

CS: Ok, now he is blatantly lying Little Miss Overlord! Wait, god damnit, that isn't what I meant!

JE: Did I miss anyone? Or are you all alone now?

CS: Damn it, I hate going alone. Look at what happened in Arrival.

JE: Oh yeah. Batarians, he killed 100,000 of you.

CS: What? It was way more than that. Damn it, I'm not helping. And that wasn't a choice! I was literally forced to do it!

JE: No you weren't. You could have just not done the mission.

CS: It would have still carried over. That's the whole beginning of ME3!

JE: Anybody else?

CS: What about all the people you killed?

JE: Hey, they attacked me.

CS: See how well that holds up in court. Wait, Fem Shep? Why you?

FS: Everybody likes me better anyway.

Jack: Your voice actor is fucking awful.

All: Totally.

CS: Ok, I actually agree with that one. But we can't all have Jennifer Hale!

JE: I'm Open Palm Shepard. You and me, one on one, nobody else has to get hurt.

CS: *Looks at all the people against him.* I like that idea better.

JE: *Slows Down time.*

CS: *Does the same.*

JE: *Turns into Jade Golem and hacks Shepard to pieces.*

CS: *Drops Still Charging Cain from unmoving hands*

FS: Too bad they didn't make that thing charge faster. Well, I'll see you guys later. I need to go be the new face of ME3. That people voted on, yet most people seem unhappy with.

JE: So, who wants to get some real Chinese Ramon. Uh, no offense Kasumi.

KG: Don't bash Jacob and it's all good. Huh, this is the first time in a while I haven't hurt the person at the end.

JE: I think Jacob is the coolest character ever!

Whirlwind: Sell out.

KG: I'm not even going to try against him.

JE: Who wants to fly the Marvelous Dragonfly?

Joker: Dibs.

* * *

><p><strong>And, FIN.<strong>

**I have to say, this may be my favorite chapter yet. **

**Leave more suggestions. If they're good, I might see another Colab in the future. I hope so, this was way more fun.**


	9. Garen Malek

**Ok, I haven't updated this in a while, and that's because this doesn't seem as popular as my main project. This may or may not be the last chapter, but I'm at least putting it on hiatus for a while after this one. Unless you really want more of this crack.**

**Speaking of Crack:**

**BEGIN!**

* * *

><p>Shepard: So, who are you again? I can't see very well out of this eye. It's still swollen from when those guys beat the crap out of me last chapter.<p>

Garen Malek: I am called Starkiller.

CS: Wait, didn't you die?

GM: Look who's talking.

CS: Good point.

GM: A true force user never dies. The Force is all encompassing, all consuming!

CS:… That was way too nerdy for me, so I'm just going to pretend I understood that. It means you got cloned, right?

GM: Pretty much yeah.

CS: Bet people were surprised to see you again. I swear, that's all I ever heard. "I thought you died" every five freaking minutes. It's a pain in the ass.

GM: Hey, at least you get conversations.

CS: Oh, right. All you get is cutscenes.

GM: But I have better graphics. Hah!

CS: I have more backup. You have to go solo, I bring a team.

GM: Two things. Firstly, I can kill an entire platoon of soldiers in about five seconds flat. Secondly, Juno Eclipse, General Rom Kota, and the entire fucking rebel alliance.

CS: Yeah, I can kill that many people too. That's why I have the Cain. And this. *Activates Omni-blade.* I can cut a mother up with this thing.

GM: Uh-huh. Cool _5 inch_ laser. But personally, I'd rather have these. *Ignites dual light sabers.*

CS: Aren't you holding those backwards?

GM: It's canon!

CS: Whatever. But for the record, I also get two of them as a sentinel. Or they can be on fire. It's bad ass.

GM: Isn't there also an electric version?

CS: Actually, yeah.

GM: You know what else looks electrocuted?

CS: Renegade Shepard's face?

GM: You. *Proceeds to electrocute Shepard with Force Lighting.*

CS: Crap. Herch, bleggh. *Reloads last save.* Hey! What happened to waiting until the end for us to blow each other apart? And is so cheating for you to use the Force when I'm not a Biotic this play through! I am so changing that at the beginning of ME3.

GM: If you don't stop complaining, I'm doing it again. Force lighting rocks!

CS: Oh, is that how you survived in Soul Caliber? You know, the game that has absolutely nothing to do with Star Wars?

GM: Hey, at least I was in it.

CS: Why is that a good thing? Name one other cross over character.

Ezio: Me.

CS: Pssh, whatever. Get into Mortal Kombat and I'll be impressed.

Kratos: Me.

DC universe: US.

CS: Ok, I was making a point about him, not you guys.

GM: Get lost. *Proceeds to force throw all into next county over.*

CS: Ok, I'll give you credit. That was pretty damn cool. Almost as cool as Biotics.

GM: How exactly are Biotics better?

CS: They're a cool shade of blue.

GM: Yeah, except they cost a ton to get. I have the force from the start.

CS: It isn't cash, it's experience. And Biotics have their powers from birth too. Take the Asari for instance.

GM:… Ok, why did you just turn into an Asari?

CS: Oh, I switched to my Multiplayer avatar. *Switches back* Which is something you don't have.

GM: What do you call old republic? You know how many people play that MMO?

CS: At least I get good voice actors! You got the guy from Chad Vader! Well, good voice actors except fr me anyway.

GM: So even you admit Fem Shep is better? Man, you are miserable.

CS: Yeah, I know. I got that beaten into me last chapter. And Tali broke up with me. And I'd say my chances with Miranda and Jack are gone. Maybe I can get back together with Ash. Or that new chick.

GM: What new chick?

CS: Some Reporter I don't want to falcon punch.

Femshep: Not if I get to her first.

GM: She swings both ways?

FS: Yeah, they brought that back.

CS: I thought you were with Liara?

FS: This playthrough.

CS: Can you just get out of here? I thought you said I was supposed to do this because you didn't want to go up against the Star Wars guy because Jenifer Hale also was in KoTor.

FS: And because I don't want to get killed at the end.

CS: Thanks. Oh, and speaking of falcon punching, have you ever done that? No, I don't think so.

GM: I don't need to. I do this. *Proceeds to force choke shepard.*

CS: You stole that from Darth Vader! Effective though, I'll give you that. Herch, bleggh. *Reloads last save.* Seriously, no matter how many times you do that, I'm just going to reload. I can't get killed except at the end of ME2 or the end of ME3.

GM: What about start of the second one?

CS: I said I'm not going to stay dead. And you died too, so you don't get to judge.

GM: I die for a good reason though.

CS: So do I! I save the cripple played by Seth Green. Though I did wish there was a conversation option to kick is ass later. But it was a good deed at the time!

GM: I die saving the universe.

CS: No, you die to set up the original trilogy where _they_ save the universe.

GM: I can kill Vader instead, and become the emperor's new apprentice.

CS: Noncanon. Doesn't count.

GM: I have a cooler XO. Juno Eclipse.

CS: Yeah, she is hot, I'll give you that. Though her lego version was a bit...wait for it…. flat chested!

GM: Hah hah. She's still cooler than yours.

CS: Cooler than Miranda? Have you seen her? She's hot enough to melt the polar ice caps.

GM: But she's a total bitch.

CS: True. Control chips… If she wasn't super-hot, I'd never help her with her sister.

GM: Yeah, that sort of attitude makes her less hot than Juno.

CS: You really want to talk about hot chicks? The Asari are literally an entire species of hot chicks! Not to mention Tali. And Ashley. And Kelly, aka the stripper.

GM: We have twileks, which are sorta similar. Also, Ashley is a Race? And Tali is a race?

CS: I was being more specific then. Although Kelly will swing for any race, judging by the Scale Itch incident. *Shudders.* That's why I never went past having her feed my fish.

GM:… I have no idea how to respond to that.

CS: I know. I want to get therapy, but she's the only therapist I know. It's like Chris Nolan directed it or something. Therapyception.

GM:…Ok, moving on… I never have to deal with the Council.

CS: Oh come on man! That's hitting below the belt! And it's still swollen down there from Tali's combat Drone.

GM: Too much info dude.

CS: Sorry.

GM: Any way, about Renegades and the council. Ahem.

CS: If you give me any crap about letting them die, I'd like to point out that you aren't exactly supportive of the Empire.

GM: At least Vader doesn't have a giant stick up his butt.

CS: True.

GM: What I was going to say:

Peace is a lie, there is only Passion.

Through passion I gain strength.

Through Strength I gain Power.

Through Victory my chains are Broken.

The Force shall free me.

Just nourish your hatred about them, use it your advantage, and kill them.

CS: Ok, you know that the guy that wrote Darth Bane also wrote all the Mass Effect Books? And Bioware's done all sorts of Star Wars stuff? This is going into some weird territory man.

GM: So you're saying that you don't want my help killing the council?

CS:… Really?

GM: I don't have any big plans today. Besides, fighting government officials is sort of my thing.

CS: You do know that I can kill the council myself in the first game?

GM: You don't really kill them, you just don't save them. Sort of like Batman.

CS: Good point. Not nearly as satisfying either. So could you also help me with those Jade Empire guys, and my squad? Revenge for last time?

GM: Tell me where they are, then give me about five seconds.

CS:… So you aren't even slightly intimidated by the Black Whirlwind?

GM: No.

CS… Or Kasumi doing that sneak attack?

GM: Can we just go kill them already? I'm starting to get killing withdrawals.

CS: How? You've killed me twice this chapter.

GM:..What's your point?

CS: *hurriedly*Yeah, let's go kill them then. I think they said something about getting Ramen.

GM: Ok, let's kill them and steal their Ramen. I'm hungry. Killing stuff is hard work. *Runs towards the Ramen Shop, randomly killing people and animals.*

CS: *Follows, staying far back in case he decides to turn on him.*

GM: *Reaches Ramen Shop, ignites Lightsabers, goes in, and screams are heard.*

CS:… Ok, I must have gotten the crazy guy instead of the canon good guy.

Real Garen Malek: You called?

CS:… Wait, are you the real Garen Malak?

RGM: Yeah.

CS: I thought that he showed up early! That also explains that sith stalker armor. And the severed Vader head he had on his Ship.

RGM: It took you this long to figure that out?

CS:… I'm not as smart as some of the other playthroughs, ok? And I'm concussed from last time.

RGM: Sigh. Let's go see what he's done.

*They enter the noodle shop, where every Bioware character is dead. Evil Starkiller is in the corner eating Noodles and talking to nobody.*

CS:.. Holy crap. He actually killed all of them. Sweet! *Stand's over Femshepard's body.* Who's better now bitch?

RGM: Don't you still have to run that suicide mission now? And won't you die without anybody loyal?

CS…FML... Big time. Maybe I can reload to before this chapter?

Evil Star Killer: You deleted that save to make room for all the times I killed you. Remember?

CS: I'll have to replay from the beginning now? *Swears like a sailor for several minutes.*

ESK: Pretty much.

RGM: I could help if you want.

CS: Really?

ESK: *Kills real Garen Malek.* Nope.

CS: Dude, you got to cut back on all the murdering. You're going to overload your syst- *Sees that Evil StarKiller has died of a Murder overdose.* Never mind.  
>*Thinks for several minutes.*<p>

Wait a minute, Unity! *Revives everyone from Mass Effect.*

Jack: What the fuck just happened?

CS: Uh, these two crazy guys came in and knocked you all out.

ESK: *Comes back as a blue ghost.* He had me kill you all.

CS: That is not true!

Femshep: Then why do you have those Renegade Scars?

CS:.. I knew I should have gotten that medbay upgrade.

Mordin: Suggest repetition of last chapter's conclusion.

Jack: Huh?

Femshep: He means we should kick his ass again.

Legion: Logical.

ESK: Works for me. Just let me get some Ghost Popcorn.

CS: Oh come on, can't I catch a break?

Tali: No. *Pulls out shotgun.*

CS: Hey Author? Yeah, I hate you. Hergh, belgh.

Femshep: Um, Jack, I think he's dead. You can stop beating his body now.

ESK: Here, let me help you with that. *Force Heals Shepard.* There, feel free to kill him as much as you want.

Jack: Thanks.

CS: I hate you so much.

Femshep: Don't worry, we all hate you too Male Shep.

* * *

><p><strong>And, fin.<strong>

**This chapter was once again co-authored by Chris12225. In fact, he and I have begun a facebook group for Fanfiction authors. If anyone's interested in joining, message Altair Shepard( Me) or Rieker Thomas (Chriss12225) for entrance. Note that is not recommended to use your primary facebook profile for this. Feel free to use one named Tali Zorah if you want. **

**If you guys have suggestions for match ups, no guarantees, but it might happen. But I'll admit now that I've never played Red Dead or Fall out, so those are pretty much out. **


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